The Creature from Another World!
Yesterday afternoon, Carlyle had stopped by to discuss the upcoming holidays. It was still warm and the sun was shining brightly. We were sitting on the deck, eating some catnip seasoned tuna patties that my housemate Helen had prepared. Between bites we meowed about the new football season and which team would probably make it to the Super Bowl. "Oh, I don't know, Carlyle. I've never really gotten into football. It's not a game which cats can play very well. The dogs at the dog park try their paws at it but usually just look a little ridiculous racing back and forth aimlessly chasing something."
"Isn't that what football is all about, Henri?" meowed Carlyle. "Aimlessly chasing a ball back and forth and then jumping on top of each other?"
I strugged my shoulders. "I guess....?" I replied. "It is not a game which would hold a feline's interest for very long, I would think. Besides, cats might get their whiskers bruised or something." I was waiting for Carlyle's reply when I noticed that he was staring, wide eyed at the side of the house just left of the kitchen door. He began to growl. Then his back arched and his tail grew to twice its normal size. "What is it?" I demanded, following his gaze. My blood froze! There, clinging to the side of the house was the most disgusting and frightening creature I have ever seen! I knew it must be from another world, totally alien to us and our way of life!
Clarence whispered hoarsley in my ear, "Tell it we mean it no harm! That we have come in peace! But don't let it get too close!"
I nodded. It seemed prudent not to agitate or upset the awful looking creature so I tried to smile (very difficult for a cat, you know. We don't really have the muscles for that.....) and keep my meow warm and friendly. "We come in peace and wish to call you friend, even if you are just about the ugliest thing I have ever laid eyes on."
The creature turned his head and stared at us. "Well, thank you for that! I really like being called ugly. Makes a bug feel really good about himself! And what makes you think you are so special, fur ball?"
"I am nothing but a humble cat," I stammered. "We are very simple creatures and wish only peace and love to all who inhabit this universe." Actually, I am not humble but thought that evil looking monster would attack me! It probably carries germs!
"Umm", meowed Carlyle, "do you bugs from outer space have names?"
The strange creature, tilted its head, stared intently at Carlyle and then at me. "You two bozos really annoy me. Of course I have a name! It's Smedley the Third! And for your information, I do not come from up there!" It waved its claws around in the air. "I've had a really bad day! And you fur balls haven't made it any easier! Got that?"
"Would you like to talk about it? Maybe that would ease your pain," suggested Carlyle. I nodded in agreement.
"Well okay," chirped the creature. "I was all set for a day of romance with my latest mate. I was feeling warm and fuzzy and ready for a nice few minutes of love and caring when she had the nerve to suggest that we do lunch together."
I shook my head. "I think that is very sweet of her. She's willing to go to all that effort to provide a lovely lunch for you. You should be very happy that she is so caring."
"Having me over for lunch, means having me for lunch. She is more than likely preparing a nice Bernaise sauce to go with my head!" The creature began to shiver. "So, I've had a bad day, fellas!"
"She has a bad attitude for a mate," I growled. "Maybe if you changed your name your mate would think more highly of you and not want to have you as luncheon meat."
"Absolutely not! I will not change my name. My dear daddy was named Smedley by his mom and I am proud to be his heir."
The creature bowed his head. "We were very close. Yes we were....."
"He's no longer with you?" I asked politely.
The creature wagged its head back and forth. "Nope," it chirped. "My mom ate my dad. She invited him over for lunch and he was the entree."
At that point, we bid the poor creature farewell and headed for the kitchen door. "That's what you call a dysfunctional family! I have heard about domestic violence but that is extreme!" rasped Carlyle. "My brother used to beat me up from time to time, but never tried to devour me!"
In the kitchen we shared a cup of catnip tea with my housemate Helen. "You were addressing an insect called "The Praying Mentis," she meowed. "There are many varieties of this bug and all of them are ugly. None of them come from outer space. You will find much literature on these insects at the library, Carlyle."
"I certainly will look into it, Helen. Smedley is ugly but in a dark way, he is interesting to look at as long as you don't get too close."
Helen smiled. "Not to worry. They don't bite but they have a serrated edge to their front claws which can hurt if a cat's nose should brush against them. These creatures come by the garden around September and early Ocober. I myself, don't wish to make their acquaintence but Penelope has had chats with them from time to time."
"I'm glad I am not a bug!" I exclaimed. "I wouldn't want to think my life would be in danger every time I felt the urge for romance."
Helen glared at me. "You really don't know how close you have come to being a dead cat! There is a certain queen from Wooden Street who was about to deck you on more than one occasion! She said you wouldn't let her alone and sang outside her window every night for about a month. Her persons were ready to call the animal control officer, you were so loud and obnoxious."
I felt the tips of my ears grow red with embarrassment. I remembered that kitty very well. I was mad about her! But her affections did not match her beauty. When she finally did come into the garden one night, it was to deliver a flurry of blows to my ears and nose. "I have a tom cat, if you must know!" she hissed. "I don't need your constant yowling and howling outside my window! Go wail your song to Samantha who lives on Pleasant Street. Her tomcat left her for another queen so she might not be in the best mood if you do come courting. She has a wicked left hook that could take your head off!" I spent a lonely spring that year. But my head remained intact as well as what was left of my dignity.
Pat my head to return to my homepage.