The Queens' Revenge!
(Or What Happened When Stella, Penelope, Sasha, Hillary, Tonya and Helen Found Out About the Hot Tub!)
I think every cat in Petsburgh knows about the pool party sponsored by Freya and Jessie! And most cats were invited and did attend this fabulous outing. I attended and Clarence attended. Even my housemate, Sidney got brave enough to dip his paws in the tub! Our buddy Rumsfeld came along and we were able to coax our friend, Raymond Hazelwitz, rodent activist to join in the fun. So we had a great time, right? Yeah, that's the way it was! As I said, everything was a blast until we all got home after the pool party. Then Helen, my housemate and Stella, my housemate and Tonya, my housemate found out about the hot tub. They told our friends Sasha and Penelope who then meowed it to Hillary, the feline political activist and a few other queens from the neighborhood.
"We loved the pool party and all that surfing and wading and stuff but not one tom cat told us about the hot tub!" growled Helen.
I puffed out my chest. "The hot tub was for tom cats only, Helen!" I protested. "There comes a time in every tom's life when he must have a place to celebrate with his boy peers, meaning other boy cats!"
"Yes," meowed Sidney. "We boys need a place of our very own!"
Hillary stepped forward, shoving Sidney aside. "I beg your pardon! You tom cats have plenty of opportunities to socialize with each other which almost always, excludes us queens! How many times have you snuck off to the Dumpster for dinner for a night of heavy eating and drinking, without inviting us to come along? And you couldn't see it within your hearts to let us share your hot tub?"
"You queens just don't understand us guys!" protested Rumsfeld. "You know tom cats like to tell jokes which you queens would get all upset about! And sometimes our fun gets a little out of paw, like the time we dumped spaghetti all over Max's head and tail! You probably wouldn't approve of fun things like that!"
Helen just stared at us. "You are probably right about that, Rumsfeld!" she hissed.
So time past and the queens stopped glaring and growling at us and I forgot all about our sinful ommision of not inviting the queens to join us in the hot tub. I went about my daily chores, supervising the weeding of the garden and the preparation of my persons' evening meal and the washing of the floors and the dishes and the making of the bed and the hundred of other things that a tom cat has as responsibilities. That is why I am exhausted at the end of the day and during the day and require naps in the morning, the afternoon and the evening. I knew you would understand....
A few weeks after the pool party, Rumsfeld, Clarence, Raymond, Sidney and I were laying around on the deck. Between naps we discussed last night's dinner at the Dumpster. We had invited Twinkles to join us and discovered much to our joy, that the big tom has a big sense of humor! He told one joke after another, most of which I didn't understand but hey! They probably were funny....don't you think?
Anyway we were all sitting around on the deck when we heard the meows and purrs of a gathering of queens in the backyard. They seemed to be having a lot of fun! That disturbed us mightily, let me tell you! They hadn't invited us toms. Not a mention or hint of the party had passed my ears or the ears of my buddies! "We better go check!" insisted Rumsfeld. "They might be having a really good time without us!"
Raymond shook his head and smoothed his whiskers. "Better not, boys. Obviously, it is just for queens. They don't want us around. Take it from a rat. When you aren't invited, you aren't welcome!"
Clarence sniffed. "I smell the essence of tuna patties laced with catnip, prepared by the paws of Helen, Queen of the Kitchen! I'm going to see what is going on out there in the backyard!"
"Me too!" growled Rumsfeld. "Are you coming Sidney and Henri? We want to make sure that the queens have a really good time and that can't happen if we aren't there!"
Well, I had to go with them. How would it have looked if I had been the only male not to crash the party? I'd look like a wimp! Wouldn't I look like a wimp? So I ran after my friends.
I should have known by the look on Helen's face that something evil was brewing in that fertile brain of hers. We boys had no sooner reached the middle of the backyard when the heavens opened up, drenching us with tons of cold, cold water! We hissed! We squealed! We growled! We shivered! Only Raymond had been spared the humiliation. At the last minute he had turned around and headed back to the safety and dryness of the deck!
"Welcome to the party, boys!" Helen, Hillary, Stella, Penelope, Tonya and Sasha stood next to the reel of garden hose. Tonya's paws were on the faucet. They had turned on the watering system! Those bad, bad queens had turned on the rotating sprinkler head which was guaranteed by the manufacturer to deliver gallons of wetness within seconds! Within seconds we tom cats were drenched to the skin! And the water was very cold. And the balmy breeze was suddenly very cold!
Helen did open the linen closet and pulled a bunch of towels from the shelves so we could dry off. She and the other queens let us share the plate of tuna patties and sip the catnip tea. Sidney was afraid he would die from frost bite but Raymond told him you can't get frost bite when the temperature is seven-eight degrees fahrenheit. He was still sure he would die of frost bite so Helen wrapped him in blanket and the queens carried him off to bed. We all recovered from the drenching and when the afternoon was over, we sheeply agreed that it hadn't been very nice of us to ignore the queens when we were at a party. Until next time when we tom cats decide to have a night out at the Dumpster...