You're Talking a Slumber Party for Dogs? You Must Be Kidding!
It happens every spring! Ashley, our dog waits eagerly for the catalogs to arrive in the mailbox. Her eagerness starts in January and peeks sometime in August, therefore she will be pawing through the pages of each and every publication which graces our doorstep. This year was no different from any other year, but I noticed one thing was a little unusual about the dog's interest. She seemed to be focusing on catalogs which featured furniture and goods for the home instead of plants, seeds and toys, food and things to stimulate the canine palate. Now, you might ask, why would the mutt be so interested in beds and mattresses? Why you might ask, why would Ashley be so interested in bed sheets and blankets? Silly cat that I am, I did ask.
She looked at me as if I were a total imbecile. "What don't you understand, Henri?" she barked. "Every female dog needs a place to call her own! It should reflect her hopes, dreams, ambitions and personality!"
"Of course!" I growled. "Your hopes are that our persons will leave their dinners unguarded for thirty seconds so you can devour it! Your dreams are that they will leave their dinners unguarded for thirty seconds so you can devour it and your ambitions are that our persons will leave all of their meals unguarded for thirty seconds so that you can devour all of them! As far as your personality goes, I shall not go there...."
The dog bared her teeth at me. "Oh what do you know, cat? I am a canine who weighs eighty pounds. I am suffering from malnutrition. I am desperate for nourishment!"
"Yeah, right," I responded, "that's why the dog doctor put you on a diet!"
Ashley shook her head. "What does that silly person know about dog needs and desires, I'd like to know! About my personality; it is good for my mental health to explore my need to express myself in my environment. I need color, texture, form and function to satisfy this need. Therefore, Stella, that dear little cat is getting online to order a queen sized bed for me!"
"Really?" I meowed. "And where on earth do you intend to put this queen sized bed, may I ask?"
"Stella will notify a used furniture business to come and pick up our persons' bed," Ashley barked. "Then when my new bed arrives, they can move it right into the bedroom. I'm going to make out a list of dogs I've met at the dog park who I will invite to my very first slumber party!"
I shook my head in disbelief. "And where will our persons sleep, Ashley? Have you thought about that?"
Ashley's eyebrows arched. "Well they could sleep on the floor in the living room. I don't think they would mind. After all, they love me more than any other dog!"
"I wouldn't be to sure of that, Ashley," I hissed. "You are the only dog in this household but that doesn't mean you can do anything you please. There could be problems. For instance, you might very well end up at a dog shelter!"
"That could never happen!" barked the dog.
"That could never happen!" cried Stella. "I would never let that happen!"
I sighed. I cried. I moaned with dispair. I could smell disaster in the air! Distrust would cloud our happy home when our persons found their bedroom had been turned into a den of pleasure for dogs! Could I stop this terrible transformation from coming about? Or must I wait and see what destiny befalls us? I decided to let destiny decide our fate.
Destiny showed up in a delivery truck which stopped at our back door. Inside the vehicle were large cardboard boxes. Inside the cardboard boxes were ten sets of queen sized sheets all imprinted with pictures of dogs of various breeds. Ashley greeted the arrival of the bed linens with shrieks of glee and delight. My persons however, did not greet the arrival of the bed linens with glee and delight. They did utter sounds but they were not pleasant to my ears. I spent the remainder of the day in the basement playing solitaire until Raymond Hazelwitz, rodent activist, scratched at the window.
"I always knew that the mutt would bring grief and sorrow upon this roof," he chattered loudly. "The dog Ashley must be kept under constant surveillance for the protection of the entire household! I fear, however that the dog will obtain some sort of legal representation which will nullify any punishment which might be leveled at the canine."
"Not a chance," I meowed. "Who in their right mind would want to represent Ashley?"
The rat puffed up his chest. "As a matter of fact, I am going to represent the wretched animal called Ashley. Hey, a bushel of dried corn cobs ain't peanuts you know!"
"You are a traitor to all felines," I moaned.
"Every creature is innocent until judged guilty in the eyes of the law or something like that," remarked Raymond. "Hey, wait until the new, queen sized bed arrives! Boy, will you hear about it from your persons!"
"How on earth did the dog order a queen sized bed!" I demanded.
"That brat cat Stella ordered it over the internet!" growled my housemate Helen. I did not hear her as she had entered the basement so quiet were her steps upon the stairs. "Stella loves doing things for the dog, but I think it might also make her feel superior to Ashley because she can use the computer and she can read too."
"That has got to stop!" I insisted. "Stella must be punished if she encourages Ashley to do dumb things like ordering a queen sized bed!"
"Neither of our persons will punish dear little Stella," growled Helen. "She puts on the 'cute kitty' routine and they are just overwhelmed by all that charm and nothing happens to teach her what is right from wrong." Helen sighed. "I don't want to meow about it anymore. Stella gives me a headache!"
Raymond Hazelwitz grinned at me, baring his white, very sharp teeth. "How about a few games of three-handed pinochle? Then I can meet with my client, Ashley and discuss her case and how we might proceed. Perhaps she can plea-bargain her way out of this."
Although Ashley was charged by us cats, with the crime of unauthorized purchases using our male person's credit card, she was never brought to trial. It seems the store which was to deliver to queen sized bed called on the telephone and my persons then took care of the matter by cancelling the purchase. This did take some time but it was accomplished. My female person decided that some of the ten sheet sets that had delivered were rather nice and decided to keep two of them. The rest were sent back to the store from whence they had been ordered.
Ashley moped around the house for a few days, whining and moaning about how little anyone paid any attention to her need and wishes. I now watch carefully when she and Stella spend to much time together in the computer room. Unfortunately, I do need to take naps from time to time so our household will never be entirely free of such trangressions as we have just witnessed.
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