Freya
It is my pleazure to introduces Mr. Nosey Parker, noted columnist and entrapurrneur. Yu may finds him contraversheal - but neffur boring. Nosey, let's start by talkin bout yur writing career. Being a "writer pur eggcellence" myself, I is moss interested in yur writing. I feels we haff a lot in common and haff been looking furward to some serious 'writer talk' wiff yu.

Nosey:
uh, uhm, gulp
{to himself: A lot in common wif dis ditsy dame?
Still, she's a looker, so I'll play along.}
Being a repurrter is jess my way of giving sumthin back to the community, Freya. I feelz responsible fur hepping cats stay infurrmed and giffing dem a cents of empowerment in dis offen catfusing wurrld.
{Bet she laps up doze cliches.}

Freya
I juss knowed we shared da same humanitorian motiffs. When did yu furst feels dah noble desire to write?

Nosey
In kittygarden. We boyz used to spin duh day in duh pool hall, and den I'd write excuses fur dem to takez to duh principal duh next mornin. It wuz gude trayning, and I rekommend it to all youngsters.

Freya
{Dat duz not sound likes a noble start to me.}
Wat did yu start writing next? Stories about sports?

Nosey
{What a sexist comment! I shude sue her! No, it wood jess be anuffer bill of hers dat poor Henry wood haf to pay. Sports, indeed! And gurlz write about fude, I spoze. Gude grief!}
I began as a repurrter fur Vogue Kat. It wuz a gude job in minnie wayz -- all doze supermodels and trabble to exotic plazes and an unlimited expense account. But after a while, it getz furry boring.

Freya
{Why, oh why, did I ask him fur an interview?
He's just another dumb obnoxious macho type.}
When did yu start writing exposays?

Nosey
My furrst big brake came wif my series on duh Muffinosa. Lodds of donut trucks were being hijacked, and duh Kassel Kopz were haffing trubble kollecting sufficient evidence fur a konviction. My gude furriend Groucho Pussnagel asked fur my hepp alertin duh purrblic to this cirrius krime wave, and I was glad to fight fur kitty rites, like donut eating.

I rote about duh lynx between dese hijackings and organized krime. Diz ledd to Sammy "duh Bulld*g" GravyNose's bekomming uh purrleece infurrmant and Don Jotti's conviction. I won sevrul prizzes fur it and my furriend got purrmoted to Chief Detective ov Catland Yard.

Nosey Posey in his Hovercat Craft You haff prolly seen Nosey Parker racing around in his Hovercat Craft seeking mews fur dah Caterwaul Chronicle. Here we see him affur one of dem donut theives. Note: Per Nosey Parker duh hovercats are builts by Sluggo Da Bug, Yak Attak's son.

Freya
No wonders yur writin' caught on - being so eggciting - all bout crime an mayhems.
{I wonders .. dat GravyNosey .. cud be a relatiff.}

I muss say dat I admires yur cruisesading an yur writing style. But - tu tells yu da truff, affur yu started writin yur column, "Clowder of Cats", yur writing changed. Now yu writes like a gossip columnist. It is indeedy entertaining, buts tu be honest wiff yu, Nosey, I feels yu is better wiff yur sintax dan wiff yur facts. Duz yu checks out anyfing befur yu writes it?

Nosey
Fact checking is furry impurrtant. Errors shude be avoided always, especially gedding somecat's name wrong, woodn't you agree, Freya?

Nosey Parker checking his article fur errors.

Freya
Of curse, dat is impurrtant, Nosey. All of us purrfessional writers is carefuls to get kitties names rite.

Nosey
Not all repurrters, Freya. For instance, my name is Nosey Parker, knot Nosey. Yew can find it in yure unabridged dikshunairy. Also, I defined it in my furrst "Clowder of Cats" kolumn way back in March 2001: "A 'Nosey Parker' is an individual who takes excessive interest in the affairs of others to the extent of becoming an interfering busybody" It is a title as well as a name. My pawpa thought dat I merited such an appellation. Duh furmily name is Gehrling, so my full name is Nosey Parker Gehrling. If you review yure correspondence file, you will find an emew frum me xsplaning dat.

Juss how doo you check *yure* facts, Freya?

Freya
Well .... ah .... I .... er .... well, of course, I had supposed dat we were frens an dat I cud addresses yu infurmally as Nosey. Affur all, yu duz not addresses me as Queen Freya. But's I duz agrees wiff yur pawpa in dat yu merits dat name.
{Yep - if Nosey Parker means "an interfering busybody" I'll call him dat all day long.}

How-some-effur, Mr. Nosey Parker Gehrling, dis brings up something in my notes. Yu made some libelous remarks about da character of my brofur Henry in yur April column of April. Dat reely upsetted me.

Mr. Nosey Parker Gehrling
Mewr loyaltee to mewr brofur iz trooly admirable. Henry and I wurked togeffur in duh Brofur Clubs, and I knoze what a fine cat he iz. I admire him grately fur creating duh BFCC -- dere is noffin finer on duh 'net.
{Despite mewr konstant meddlin and mewr repeeted plunderin of duh treasuree.}

Freya
{He duz respects Henry - so he can't be too bad.}
I duz enjoy most of yur columns. In one yu publicly announced yur attraction to Yak Attak, who yu met at da Renaissance Faire. How has dat relationship developed?

Mr. Nosey Parker
Mama Yak Attak iz my won troo luff! She iz the Queen of My Dreems! She haz duh gratest of female virtoos: uh fearless disposition, uh sharp intellect, uh lively sense of humor, and uh strong right cross. She keeps all duh cats in her house under her paw, and she wraps duh human-kittenz around her paw. All dis, and she iz head of her own law purractice, tew!

I haff deklared my devotion to her, and we haf bekome winkwinks. I kanknot announce duh date of our wedwinking yet - duh Code of Chivalry demandz dat duh lady haf dat purrogative.

Of coarse, I haz giffen her a Catinum card so dat she can buy whatevfur she wants wifout haffing to worry about duh bills. Duh Code of Chivalry demandz dat, two.

Nosey Parker and Yak Attak

Freya
It sounds as if yu two is 'juss made fur each offur'. I wishes yu a long and happy relationships - juss like me an Chili Pepper haz. Now - how bout telling us a liddle bout yur pawpa an yur home life?

Mr. Nosey Parker
Pawpa and I are two pore ole bachelors living in duh Maryland mountains. Duh coal mines are mostly played out, and duh treez are growing back. It iz furry beeyootifur. Dere iz a sun room on duh back side of duh house where we can sit and watch duh sun go down; sometymez dis takes hours.

We likes to do guy tings togeffur: scratch, burp, drink beer, order pizza delivery. Knot all duh tyme, mind you -- sometimes we get Chinese delivery.

Since we iz too guyz, we don't haf to spin tyme talkin 'bout our relationship or wheffer our butts are gitting big. We just beez ourselfs. Pawpa scratches me behind duh ears and I purrz and we eatz and watches duh ball gamez.

Freya
Yur pawpa sounds nice. I ken tells dat yu an yur pawpa are furry happy togeffur in yur bootifur mountain home.

Effury one will wants to hear all bout yur mew club, Tomzrule. It iz sure popular. I did not haff dah time to go visit it befur our interview. So pleeze tells us all 'bout yur liddle club. Like dah activities an intellectual events yu haff.

Nosey Parker
We tomz kneed uh plaice to go fur uh liddle male bonding. Uh quiet retreet from duh hectic whirl of 21st century liff. A plaice where we kin be our troo tomz selves.

We haff minnie kultural activities fur boyz. Knot two long ago, we had a Nipzterbaccy Spitting Cattest. It wuz sew furry popular dat we will purrbably haf anuffur one befour long.

Freya
Wat? Yu had a Nipzterbaccy Spitting Cattest? Ugh ... {shudder} I ken not belief yu calls it a kultural event. If dis is an example of wat goes on dere, in my kapacity as a repurrter, I muss investigates yur club.

Mr. Nosey Parker Gehrling
Freya, I haf already warned yu dat yu had beffur knot go to duh tomzrule klubbhowse alone.

Freya
Wells ... if I goes in my journalistiks capacity, dat is different. Even if I is a gurl, dat is my copyright as a repurrter. I is sure not gonna steals anyfing frum yur club.
{I wud not even touches anyfing der.}

Mr. Nosey Parker Gehrling
Let me warn yu again, Freya. If yu goez alone, yu will wind up in duh punishment room fur gurls.

Freya
Da punishroom room? Wat ... wat? Is I heering correctly? Duz yu actually haff a punishment room fur gurls? Even fur gurl repurrters?

Mr. Nosey Parker Gehrling
Yes - we haff to have one to purrtect our male privacy. If a gurl goes in, duh door will lock behind her. She cain't git out until she washes all duh dishes and putts dem away.
{Dat ought to make her want to take her busybody self rite ovfur dere. She won't beleeve dat Freya, duh so-called Queen Freya, will git locked in. She will cry til her gurly eyelashes fall off. Bedder warn Henry dat she will be whimpering fur hepp - AGIN!}

Freya
Dishes - wash dishes? Yu expects gurl kitties tu washes yur dirty dishes? Well - yu juss waits and sees, Mr. Nosey Parker yur Highness. Yu won't ketch ME washing YUR dirty dishes.

Nosey Parker
I thought gurlz *liked* too wash dishes and mop floorz and tings. After all gurlz iz allays komplainin dat dey wantz tings kept kleen.

Don't you ever help mewr Meowmie do duh dishes at home?

Freya
Well - moss certainly I helps my meowmie. I helps her wiff effury thing. But we is boff modern women - an we duz dishes dah modern way - in a dishwasher. If yur ole club had any class at all, it wud haff a dishwasher.

Nosey Parker
We *duz* haf a dishwasher at tomzrule:
ennie gurl who iz found breakin and enterin our privut boyz klubb.

If yew don't like duh dishwashing, stay out of duh kitchen - that iz, don't try to brake into our klubb. Dat iz my furriendly advise.

Freya
{I ken hardly waits to sneak intu hiz club. Boy howdy, will dat effur make a terrific story - one dat will knocks his socks off.}

Fangu fur dat advise. I will giffs it da moss careful considerashun. It haz been ah ..... ah unique eggperience interviewing yu. I appreciates yur fitting dis interview intu yur buzy shedule.

Nosey
Tanks fur duh oppurtunity to chat wif yew. I duz knot
expect evfur to haf such a confursation agin.

SnoopsFreya
Now Open

tomzrule
tomzrule New Year's Party
The Caterwaul Chronicle
Kolumns from TCMC Mews:
March 2001
(Freya is mentioned)
April
(cross-dressing toms)
NOTE: On Dec 10, Dr. Fraud will be receiving the No Bell
prize. Full coverage in December Caterwaul
May
June
Mentions meeting Mama Yak Attak who is now my beloved wink
July
Another mention of Dr Fraud

Yak Attak's Homepage
Yak Law Offices

Hovercats by Sluggo Da Bug

KNN

BFCC